Leadership series: Entangled chains

September 23, 2014

By Penny Tremblay

While I was settling into my new home and organizing my jewellery, I was faced with the daunting task of detangling two of my favourite gold chains that were knotted together in a complex mess.

I sat focused on solving the problem for what seemed like an hour, then found some brighter lights to stand beneath with a pin to help pick and pull the chains apart. I began to see how the bond between these chains was similar to relationships between people, and how conflict and entanglement between two or more can create dysfunction.

How many of us go through life feeling useless or dysfunctional in some way because we’re tangled up in knots of unresolved conflict with the people that really matter in our personal or professional lives?

Resolving this dysfunction is only possible when we admit that there are knots, and that some of them are our own doing, while others belong to those with whom we have become entangled.

Although both chains are quite fragile—similar to the relationships in our lives—the thinner chain’s knots were the most challenging to unravel because they were so tiny and hard to see. To me, this symbolizes issues we have experienced in the past: while they may not seem important today because they happened so long ago, these issues tend to hold us back from stretching out as far as we can and, in a sense, tie us up in knots of our own. Sometimes these knots are not even wrapped around others, but are formed from completely independent issues; sometimes they’re just a by-product of our own issues. Either way, they limit us.

To untie one chain from the other, I needed to sort out the different strands. This was just like sorting through different behaviours and personality styles to really understand that each individual, or ‘chain’, has its own unique qualities. There’s definitely a parallel to be found between my knotted chains and human relations, too. We need to seek to understand and accept others’ differences. Strong and healthy relationships are very possible between two people who accept that one may not be entirely like the other, whether in personality styles, opinion, social preferences or otherwise. The key is that we need to really want our relationships to work—to be able to talk about things that need resolution, and to bring up what bothers us and give our thoughts and feelings a voice.

Once I had spent some time focusing on the entanglement, I realized I needed some brighter lights to work beneath. What a difference it made by doing so! I could finally see how some of the material was positioned and could therefore untie some of the more complicated knots that had eluded me before. In relationship conflicts, a brighter source of light could take the form of looking deeper into how your own ‘story’—or past experiences—are still playing out today.

An example of one such story belongs to Alison. A receptionist and member of an office team that I had worked with in conflict resolution, Alison recently admitted that she was feeling edgy toward her organization’s director. Alison had previously witnessed a conversation in the community where its members had shared their cynical comments about some of the choices and decisions made by the director. Alison believed the ‘story of doubt’ about her director based on some comments made by people who didn’t even work in her organization and didn’t fully understand the facts surrounding the choices and decisions which they were criticizing. Once Alison realized that her own story was knotting up her ability to show up to work in a powerful and productive manner, she was able to let go of the doubt, stretch out to her full potential in her role, and do so without an edge.

Conflict is more often than not a layered subject, and the layers often take the shape of old stories from our pasts that remain unresolved. Peeling back those layers allows us to shine brilliant, natural light on the things that we need to see in ourselves that repeatedly create conflict in our lives.

After considerable effort and several extra tools and lights, I was almost able to free my two beautiful chains from their debilitating entanglement. There is, however, still one knot which I can’t seem to loosen on my own. It’s too tight; I can’t see it properly and don’t want to put too much pressure on something so fragile that could break apart permanently. Sometimes, in these situations, you’ve got to call in an expert to help with the challenges that you can’t unravel yourself, and so off I went to the jeweller for assistance.

In relationships, those last few knots can somehow prove to be the toughest ones as well. They’re tight, sometimes hidden under the layers of our past, and can be fragile to press down upon for fear of permanent damage. Reach out to an expert to fully and completely resolve your entanglements in these times. Give yourself the freedom that you or your team needs to move forward with all of your energies moving in the same direction.

Golden blessings,

Penny

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