Mental illness lives with me

By Sheila Marasco

Mental illness lives with me.

It is here to stay.

It lives in my heart that walks outside of my body.

It cripples someone I love.

It is a black hole of uncertainty.

It is the devastation of the phone ringing.

The stress of a knock on the door.

The pain of a weary or panicked voice on the other end.

It is inside of my body every minute of every day because it holds onto someone I love.

It is feeling helpless, hopeless and clueless the same as it is feeling elated, blissful and hopeful when there is a day, an hour, a moment of clarity, maybe even fleeting moments of peace.

But they crash.

Every. Single. Time.

Mental illness and addiction take hold again, dark clouds invade again, panic and terror blanket me, my family, my everyday life.

I have to maintain strength for someone that I love.

I have to grab and claw for the energy just to get through one more text, one more phone call, one more tragedy.

One.

More.

Crisis.

But it won’t be the last one.

It will happen again and again and again.  It will invade my reality and my normalcy.

Have I ever really had normalcy?

I suppose I have, as this IS my normal.

But I am there again and will continue to be for someone that I love.

I will listen, support, suggest, hold, research, and try to find a light or an answer.  Try to keep someone I love alive for one more day.

It is all consuming, but it is my job. I will continue to listen to the sheer panic and try to talk down the manic.

I will rock and squeeze, and wipe away tears and always take notice of his big hands, his strong shoulders, his beautiful wet eyelashes, his perfect skin, his soft hair. The same as I did when he was little.

Only now, my arms don’t quite fit around him the same, and my words, well, I never know if they get through, but I am there.

I am holding and praying and rocking and letting the feeling of him in my arms sink deep into my memory and my heart in case this is the last time.

Every time I hold him or see him, I remember his face, what he was wearing, the last look before he walks away.

BUT, I will continue to reach into the depths of my emptiness and find another shred of strength for someone I love.

Mental illness lives with me.